Control.
So, I wrote a hugely long entry the other day, then pressed ‘create post’ and it inexplicably disappeared and I was so annoyed I couldn’t be bothered to try and recreate it till today. It’s clearly not going to be as long as the original, but that’s probably a good thing.
I was just venting about the fact that although it is a classic human trait to want to control all aspects of their lives, and when they find they can’t they end up attempting to control one aspect they think they can, I never thought it would happen to me. But it has. My best friend from primary school had bulimia, and it was really evident it was a control issue for her, and I never used to be able to get my head around it. I have never had a healthy relationship with food, so that’s not really what this entry is about, no one needs to hear about my love affair with calories. However, they do need to hear about my abusive relationship with exercise. What do you do when someone you love more than anything hurts you more than you ever imagined possible? RUN YOURSELF INTO THE GROUND. Literally. In short, I have become completely obsessed with running, on a treadmill or outside, doesn’t bother me, but if I don’t run for a day I feel pathetic and lazy. You just can’t beat the endorphins it produces, well, not without a fucking savage comedown like I have today.
My Mum says she is really proud of how I am coping, and that when her boyfriend broke up with her when she was 22 she tried to kill herself and was sectioned. Well, a) I feel very much like I need to be sectioned, but b) what she thinks is pro-activeness is actually slight obsession (and also I doubt she is proud any longer as she had to listen to me cry on the phone for 20 minutes today). There are definitely worse things to be obsessed with, but this has only been going on about three weeks and I already have a knee injury which has escalated into a whole leg ligament issue, but all the pain only makes me want to run further and harder. Physical pain (of this calibre anyway) is honestly nothing compared to mental.
Didn’t run today, feel like shit.
